They should make a game that...

They should make a game that...

When I was trying to get to sleep the other day, I was thinking about Chuck Norris and how Bruce Lee ripped out a chunk of his chest hair in a fight in a movie that were both in.

How often does this happen anymore? Bruce Lee at the time would have been the undisputed KING of martial art films and Chuck Norris.. well, he was Chuck Norris wasn't he? I just don't know if there was ever an actual time when Chuck Norris became a star, I think he just IS.. Chuck Norris is pretty much like the Madonna of the martial arts world. Nobody remember's when either of them became famous, they have been famous ever since that undisclosed time, and now, they are famous for very, very little.

(Chuck at least has that exercise equipment, Madonna just has a big gap in her teeth and a resonably talented director.. think about it)

Anyway, this all got me thinking, why aren't there any big crossover martial art stars starring in each other movies anymore? In fact, why arent there any martial art stars anymore? Sure there is Jet Lee and Jackie Chan, that guy from Ung Bak and.. well, Stephen Chow, but there is no one out there with the balls out style of Bruce Lee, or Chuck Norris or even a Stephen Segal or Van Damme (Bloodsport Days.. oh and Van Damme crossing over with himself as the other martial arts star doesn't count)

And no Jason Statham is NOT a martial arts star, this just demonstrates my point.. he was great in Snatch as a guy who could pick up a baseball bat and look kinda menancing while doing it, but as soon as he tries a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head, he is just laughable.

Since all the male movie stars of today are pussies and probably wouldn't like it if they had to share screen time and paychecks with other "big" stars (could you imagine Elijah Wood and Leonardo DiCaprio squaring off in a martial arts extravagansa - it would be like watching Willow II, with Val Kilmer being replaced by a dwarf) I figured someone out there in Video Game land should just make a game that pits movie characters against one other. Forget Super Heroes, or Street Fighter Characters or Mortal Kombat, this game would trump them all. It would be the Mother of All House Parties. A pijama Jammy Jam.

The game would be set up as follows-

You get 8 initial Characters to pick from - they are

Bruce Lee (From Enter the Dragon)


Would losely look like Lui Kang from Mortal Kombat, but with more of an edge. More bouncy and faster. His story is, that he heard about a tournament, pitting the greatest martial arts experts against each other. Since he had nothing better to do, he decided to come along and lay the smack down. At the start of each match, the screen goes from the normal side of view, to in front of him, where he does the Bruce Lee arms wave in front of the face thing and then scowls. Opponents beware.

Special Move -

Chest Hair Pull (Up,up,up,down,down,left,right,hold block repeatedly then hit punch)

This is an unblockable move, but only works on Walker - Texas Ranger and probably Jack Burton. Bruce, dances up to his opponent, then proceeds to rip out a chunk of chest hair. He then shows it to the crowd, who cheer loudly.

Finishing Move -

The Mirror Smash (Press low kick, once)

After beating his opponent, a mirror appears behind them. Bruce Lee then takes a run up and kicks the opponent into it, smashing it to pieces. The camera then pans in front of Bruce Lee, and he does the hand waving over face thing, and scowls. The crowd then cheers loudly.

You cannot skip past the animations either. Everytime this happens you have to watch it. It is important.

Nemesis - Walker - Texas Ranger

Walker - Texas Ranger

Walker - Texas Ranger wears a cowboy hat, a sheriff badge and big boots. He also has a moustache. Walker - Texas Ranger, heard there was a tournament, and had not Round-House Kicked anyone in the face lately, so he thought he should go. He also heard that is nemesis Bruce Lee was going, and he had a score to settle, by roundhouse kicking him, in the face.

Special Move -

Round House Kick to The Face (Left,Right, Hold it in Centre for 10 seconds, mash keypad then press Start)

This is Walker - Texas Ranger's unblockable move, unless your opponent is Ivan Drago, who doesn't feel it. Walker - Texas Ranger, walks up to his opponent, who looks scared, and then Round-House Kicks them, in the face. The crowd reacts by being deathly silent, and looks on in stunned awe. Walker - Texas Ranger, looks proud.

Finishing Move

Devestating Round-House Kick to the Face through a Glass Window (Tap Coin Return, Twice)

Walker - Texas Ranger, Takes his opponent inside of a bar, by their hair, then props them up against the window. He then Round-House kicks them through the window, smashing glass everywhere. The crowd is silent, sitting in awed silence. Walker - Texas Ranger, looks proud as the Camera pans over his face. He then Round-House kicks the camera, out of his face.

Nemesis - Bruce Lee

Jean Claude Van Damme (From Bloodsport)


Van Damme is shirtless, showing off his ripped body and he is wearing a pair of short shorts. His hair is combed neatly to one side and he looks angry, all the time. Van Damme, who had been in semi retirement for a couple of years, heard that there was a challenger to his fastest round house kick record (who is in fact, Walker - Texas Ranger) and wants to show the world that he is more awesome at kicking than Walker - Texas Ranger.

Special Move

The Kick and Scream (hold backspace, press forward seven times then jump)(up and down in one spot)
Van Damme does a massive roundhouse kick in the air in front of the opponent and misses completely but the air pushes them over aided by Van Damme's blood curdling scream of anger and resentment. American Ninja is immune to this move as he is wearing body armour under his PJ's.

Finishing Move

The Deadly Kick and Scream (hold up, press down once, tilt)
Basically a carbon copy of the Kick and Scream except heaps more deadly and more violent. Van Damme kicks and screams a FEW times then spits at his opponent after drinking a vial of acid. The opponent DIES.

Next Up.. Descriptions for

Stephen Segal (From Under Seige)
Jack Burton (From Big Trouble in Little China)
Ivan Drago (From Rocky IV)
Rocky Balboa (From Rocky)
American Ninja (From American Ninja)



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Comment I agree but its saturday now so I had better go

Sat Apr 15, 2006 2:43 am MST by loan

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