Train Etiquette

Every morning and afternoon I have been catching the train with a bunch of sheep and for the most part I have been handling it ok. No one has died with blood on my hands... yet.

There are a few people who are really pushing my kill buttons though. These people just don't understand Train Etiquette. I'm hopeful that my blog will suddenly become the most popular website in the world so all of these people can read it and understand how fucking rude they are being on the train.

Without Further Ado - Train Etiquette

1) Male under 50, Male over 6'0, Male with a girth wider than the national average, Woman with a girth greater than the national average. Actually, any male under 50 (or with a break)

The above are not permitted to sit in the middle seat of a 3 seater under any circumstances. (Obvious exception is if all 3 people know one another, then they can do what they please)

These people are also not permitted to sit in the side seats near the doors unless there are at least 2 seats free side by side.

2) If you have a friend that is sitting on the other side of the side seats near the doors you are not to talk to them across the train, this fucking pisses me off and I and everyone else on the train does not want to hear your life story, so shut the fuck up. If you want to talk to them, give up you seat to someone else (make sure they aren't one of the people listed under point 1 though) and stand near them so you aren't boring everyone else on the carriage.

3) If you are the first to sit down on a 2 seater on a train that is likely to be packed full of people (ie/ any time from 7-9 in the morning and 4:30-6:30 at night) then DONT SIT ON THE OUTSIDE. Move your fat ass over to the window so other people can sit down.

4) If you aren't one of the people listed under point 1, and you decide to squeeze into the gap between two other people, be prepared to be uncomfortable. You have absolutely no right to move your elbows out so that the people on either side of you are uncomfortable. If you have a paper and you want to read it, you fold it to the size of a tissue and read a word at a time. Basically you are a prisoner and have absolutely no rights. Fish.

5) No sleeping in the middle seat of a 3 seater unless you know how to control your body position while you are asleep. People on either side of you do not want you resting your head on their shoulder no matter how nice you might smell.

6) If you are the only person facing the wrong way in the carriage then look out the window. You are not allowed to look at anyone else on the carriage unless you are hot and you are trying to pick up.

7) If you are sitting on the steps of the train, you are only allow to sit on one side.

8) If you are the second person to sit on the steps of a train, you MUST sit on the same side as the person already seated. If you sit on the other side and block everyone from walking down the steps then you are an asshole. If you have a sore leg or something and HAVE to sit on the other side, then you are the one who has to stand up if someone needs to get off, not the person who was already sitting.

9) If you are leaving the train, you should not stand up until you are somewhere near your stop. There is absolutely no point in getting up just after you have left the station BEFORE your stop. Sit down, be fucking patient and get up when the train is pulling into your own station. You piss off so many people by doing this, leaving the train is not a race, the train does not move faster when you stand up and start walking to the door. Be fucking patient and let people enjoy their seating experience. You will find that often the person next to you has to get off at the same stop so you really are raping them mentally by making them do something they dont want to do.

10) If you cough, cover your mouth and face it downwards. Dont cough on the person in front of you.

11) School kids cannot sit at any time.

12) If you are on the phone on the train, keep your voice down, nobody cares about your life.

13) If you have a music player (mp3 player or whatever) then you cannot turn it up so loud that everyone else on the carriage can hear it. You might like your DOOF DOOF but I can guarantee that the 70 year old grandmother sitting next to you likes it about as much as getting stabbed by the aids needle.

14) Just because you are small doesnt mean you are allowed to get on the train first. You are small and as such you should wait your turn because you would get stomped in a normal crowd surge.

---------------

I just want to give a shout out to Anonymous. Hey Anonymous, love your work. Hope your doing well. Peace